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Visitors Review

peppersmacks 2013-06-15 08:31:12

Simon Says this film gets an F

You'd be hard-pressed to find any redeeming qualities in director BillDear's new film, "Simon Says". It's juvenile, cliché-ridden, andutterly lame.Simon (Crispin Glover) owns a store in the middle of nowhere that sellsnothing. He has an apparent affinity for pick-axes, with dozensadorning the walls of his shed/store. Whenever he comes across otherhumans, he sports his best retard voice and begins asking goofyquestions. No matter the reply, he grins stupidly, mumbles "you forgotto say 'Simon says'", and then proceeds to kill everyone in the scene.The characters take on the most banal forms of teen stereotyping.There's a stoner dude, a meat head jock, a prudish Asian, and tworank-and-file sluts. None of them contributes anything of significanceto the story. The dialog is contrived and forced. The actors might aswell be reading from cue-cards. Rent any porno and you're likely tofind stronger performances.One neat twist is that the laws of physics do not apply within a 1-mileradius of Simon's store. Axes have infinite momentum. Some people canjump and change direction in mid-air. Others can magically teleportinto charred corpses.Simon's many strange catapults, which he can reload at the speed oflight, rain an impossible number of axes down on his victims. Hissingle-ax launcher is extraordinarily precise, piercing the chest of aperfectly useless character from more than 100 yards away.There is no actual plot. Just a bunch of sterile characters beingkilled in impossible ways by an aspiring loon.There are attempts at humor. None work. By the end of the movie, Irealized the joke was on me.Grade: F Avoid at all costs.

2013-06-14 20:01:32

some cool kills, by an annoying killer...

A stereotypical slasher set in the woods, Simon Says (2006) features a group of college kids on vacation, who run into a demented killer. With a healthy dose of gore, creative kills, and inventive instruments of death, the film has elements that may appeal to fans of the genre, however the kooky killer played by Crispin Glover, who has some rather particular personality traits which may be a little too much for some to take.On their way to a campsite in the woods, a group of five kids stop off at a gas station/general store that is run by twin brothers Simon and Stanley (both played by Glover in a dual role). Upon reaching their destination, the group begins to relax, but their fun is soon interrupted by a maniac who specializes in camouflage, and utilizes some uniquely wicked weapons that feature pickaxes. One spectacular kill involves a weapon that fires a pickaxe with chain attached, that plunges into the back of a victim, who is reeled in and then mutilated. The killer also employs traps with spinning reels with embedded pickaxes, and enjoys hanging his victims by the neck.The killer speaks to his victims in a horrible southern accent, as his irritating shtick incorporates the kid's game Simon says. This silly routine, and the killer's whole lame persona, gets tired really fast, and only the frequent and dramatic kills, make the film of interest, as he creatively butchers some adventure loving types, looking to play wargames, before focusing on Kate (Margo Harshman) and Zack (Greg Cripes), the last of the college kids.The concluding confrontation, while featuring much too much annoying banter, does include a barbecue, and a machete strike to the head. The film's dark ending is a nice touch, but it's unfortunate that the story made the killer a little too whacky, and played up the theatrical horror/comedy elements to annoyingly excessive levels. If the intensity was dialed down a bit, and the killer given a more serious demeanor, Simon Says could have been a real winner, although Cripsin Glover certainly appears to have enjoyed overplaying his roles.Although their dramatic talents won't win any awards, the rest of the cast meet the physical challenges of their roles fairly well. The various contraptions that incorporate pickaxes are cool, and for the most part, the nicely executed kill scenes are the best things about the film. Some may find that Glover's act wears thin and becomes annoying, however if you enjoy a theatrical madman with a twisted sense of humor, you might just like Simon Says.

ainaithilwen 2013-06-06 21:02:06

come over to the dark side... they have pick-axes and Crispin Glover

oh that was fun. Laughing-so-hard-I-fell-off-my-bed type of fun. First, as one reviewer rather effectively put it: it's rainingpick-axes. Well, when it rains it pours! Lovely machinery in thisforest... Just a thought in passing: either Simon/Stanley spends a lotof his free time scouring the woods for his scattered pick-axes (inwhich case the murderous lifestyle becomes rather understandable) or hegets fined a lot for littering. Then again, he'd just pick-axe thecop's ass and be done with it, so... Still, imagine Glover's character stalking his prey in the forest, hisfiercest scowl in place .... and falling flat on his face aftertripping over a forgotten pick-axe. Talk about an anticlimax... Also: "if you gonna die, might as well die high." When the residentstoner bleats that scintillating piece of wisdom, one may want tomurder him. Bless Simon/Stanley's little jealous heart that he doesexactly that. With . A . Giant . Joint. Yep. 'Smoking will kill you'all right. in the same vein, the dog scene was hilarious. Don't get me wrong, Ilove dogs. Usually, cruelty to animals in movies makes me queasy, butthat stomp was just too over-the-top to be taken seriously. Andafterwards, when Simon (in little-boy-lost mode) appears cradling the"sleeping" dog... awww, bless, that's almost cute. For a blood-coveredpsycho redneck carrying around a squashed dog-corpse. You get theidea...and ... was that an eyeball stuck to the back of the newspaper ???I can't resist adding a bit about Glover's southern (?) accent: thatwas awful, painful, terrible ... and very, very funny. That's the bitthat clinches the deal for me: the friend I watched this with says it'sa failed horror movie, but with that kind of performance in it, it justhas to be a parody (especially since the rest of the charactersincludes Generic Jock, Generic Slut, GenericStuck-up-kid-who-dies-first and Generic Stoner... you don't stick soclosely to the rules of a genre unless you want to mess with them).So, to sum it up, we have cheese, pick-axes, more cheese, a fewpaintball players passing through just long enough to be slaughteredgleefully (serves them right for the dog's name), a bit more cheese,and Crispin Glover who carries the show practically alone, and does agreat job of it too.

Lucien Lessard 2013-06-06 07:17:08

Mostly for Horror Buffs and especially for Glover Fans Only.

A group of friends (Margo Harshman, Greg Cipes, Carrie Finklea, KellyVitz and Artie Baxter) decides to spin their vacation at the woods...somewhere in the middle of nowhere. They meet an odd-ball gas attendantnamed Stanley (Crispin Glover), which his even odder twin brother namedSimon (also played by Glover). When Stanley gives them directions tothe woods. His twin brothers decides to stalk these young vacationersand murder them but he has his eye on one of the vacationers... helikes so much.Written and Directed by William Dear (Angels in the Outfield "1994",Harry and the Hendersons, If Looks Could Kill) made an enjoyablebizarre wild black slasher comedy. Glover seems to be having a ballplaying two weird characters. The vacationers are likable but it wastough to like them at first expect for the stoner played by Cipes. It'scertainly change of pace for Writer/Director Dear, who's certainlyknown for making family movies.The Canadian DVD from VVS Films. DVD has an sharp anamorphic Widescreen(1.78:1) transfer and an strong Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound.There's some image problems in the digital transfer. DVD has no specialfeatures. Writer/Director Dear has fun creating some clever death trapsand as well... moments of black comedy. Although Dear has written toomuch "Simon Says" jokes, which they don't always work. "Simon Says" isnotable for Glover's over the top performances in two roles. Die Hardfans of his work will certainly cherish this... while others won't.Horror fans will have a blast with this. Glover's real-lifefather:Bruce Glover appears in a cameo in a flashback sequence. BlakeLively from "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" fame appears in acameo near the end of the flick. Worth a look. (*** 1/2 out of *****).

2013-05-30 17:49:07

0 STARS: Simon says......it sucks.

Crispin Glover may be one of the most annoying actors that this world has ever seen. Don't get me wrong...I am not saying that he is one of the worst actors because he's actually pretty good, but he is one of the most annoying ever. For instance, Glover was outstanding in the "The River's Edge", but he was annoying in that movie too. Same thing here in the ill-concocted "Simon Says". With that being said, "Simon Says" is just a downright AWFUL movie with or without Crispin Glover. True, his character is ridiculous, but then again, everything is over the top about this movie, so what the hay?The sad part is that "Simon Says" actually has a decent plot. A group of friends go camping in the woods unbeknownst to them that a terrible crime was committed at some point in the past by some twins who are not mentally stable. Sound familiar? Well, for those slasher movie connoisseurs like myself, it should. Remember a really good solid slasher involving twins called "Just Before Dawn" directed by none other than Jeff Lieberman. Now, that was a really good slasher. It had atmosphere, suspense, good kill scenes and excellent plot execution, solid acting and great use of setting. "Simon Says", on the other hand, had no suspense, no atmosphere, no good kill scenes because they were too over the top, terrible plot execution, below average acting and terrible use of setting.The problem with "Simon Says" is that it is so over the top that it's ridiculous. This movie does not even attempt to be scary, and no one could possible take it seriously, and the result is some lame attempt at dark humor, but it fails there too. This movie is terrible and is an assault on the eyes and intellect. It's simply ridiculous!!! Do not waste your time on this trash because while the movie sounds good from a plot standpoint, "Simon Says" is so over the top that it simply cannot be taken seriously. No one could possibly take a leap of faith or employ the viewer's suspension of disbelief in this movie because it is so over the top that it sucks! I mean flying mining picks? Are you kidding me? "Simon Says" is garbage.

2013-05-30 04:20:50

Simon Says give it a chance

Simon Says is a REALLY gross horror film about five teenagers who go on a camping trip. Upon arriving to the forest... typical teenage relationship drama takes up the first 30 minutes of storytelling BUT!!! Keep watching!! It actually improves!! When the actual killing extravaganza gets underway (involving a killer named -you guessed it- a guy actually named Simon!) *this* is when the movie really wins me over. Simon obviously has mental problems. He's also insanely jealous of his twin brother. None of that really matters though, because the main focus is definitely on the *extremely* bloody and creative ways Simon goes crazy on these five innocent teenagers. I really want that axe-shooting machine! How awesome would it be to walk around through the woods with a machine capable of flinging several axes in the air at lightning speed? Would make hunting a breeze, I tell ya! Much of the focus is definitely on how the teenagers get slaughtered up with blood and guts dripping from tree branches and stuff. Yes it's enough to make any normal person sick, but hey, the same thing happens to animals and we eat delicious chicken all the time! "Please don't kill me! I don't want MY blood pouring swiftly all over the forest!" Anyway, yes- this is definitely one exceptionally violent horror film. Expect one brutal death after another for the entire second half. It takes a little while for the actual storyline to kick in, but rest assured- it *will* eventually kick in, and kicks in with a vengeance.

2013-05-28 23:24:38

Not worth it.

I like Crispin Glover and i am a huge horror and genre fan, but this movie was weak, really weak. I like movies sometimes that are bad, because they are bad in a way that is funny or even enjoyable. This was a movie that was bad and after it was over I say "I just wasted an hour and a half (or however long it was) of my life on this crap!"

2013-05-28 17:39:10

SIMON SAYS: GORE!!!

Just watched this on FearNet and will definitely buy this on dvd! I love crappy, gorey, over the top films and while it breaks no ground it harkens back to the beloved films of the 1980's that throw away plot and logic for gore gags and fun. Crispin Glover is great as Simon and this movie delivers on all levels. Fans of the original Mother's Day, Texas Chainsaw 2 and others of this ilk will enjoy this. I am not saying it is as good them, but good for a chuckle and midnight rewatching. Recommended!

2013-05-27 02:02:26

Disappointing

This review is from: Simon Says (DVD) I am still new to the horror movie genre, and maybe I'm a noob at this. But, seriously the movie is nowhere near good. Crispin Glover does what he does best, I can recognize his psychotic face from a mile away and still run like hell. But, the story line and the graphics quality was disappointing. The first few minutes watching the movie I thought "This is not going to go well" but then I realize the name Blake Lively on the cover and was relieved. "Thank goodness" I said, but then I sat through the whole movie only to see Blake enter 5 minutes in the end saying a few lines, looking hot as usual, and capiche. End of movie.

2013-05-26 13:41:03

truly awful.

crispin glover completely ruins this movie. had a pretty good yet uninspired plot....but still decent enough to stick with...UNTIL about half way through and you seriously cant take him anymore....this movie could of been a ton of fun but ended up truly sucking.

2013-05-20 15:45:33

Why Cripsin? Why?

This was one of the worst movies I've seen in recent memory. I'll start off by saying that all the sped up and slo-mo effects were unnecessary and honestly annoying. The kill scenes were cheaply done CGI which looked terrible for the most part. It's a spoiler, but in the last attack scene of the movie the 'dream girl' literally bursts through a tree and a burned body to attack Simon/Stanley. My biggest problem with this movie is that I know Cripin Glover can do so much better. I'm sure he did the best with the script he was given, which wasn't much, but I'd have passed on this role. After seeing him in Rivers Edge and Willard it was almost painful to watch him play this character. I'm just glad I got this used for six bucks and not the twenty-five amazon is asking for it

lastliberal 2013-05-20 06:34:33

You have to say "Simon Says."

I am not expecting any surprises here. A group of young and beautifulpeople, and one real drag (Kelly Vitz), go out into the woods. Now,what do you think is going to be waiting for them? Maybe there will be an interesting twist or two, especially sinceSimon, our slasher, has a real fascinating booby traps in th woods. Thekind that really make a mess of the victims. And, boy, does he have away with pickaxes! Simon is played by Crispin Glover (The Wizard of Gore remake). He iscreepy in both roles - Simon & Stanley.Kate (Margo Harshman) makes a little mistake at the end, but it'll allwork out. Simon says.

Robert W. 2013-05-10 14:21:40

Just another really bad, poorly put together slasher flick

Sometimes you can follow a tried and true recipe and still fail. SimonSays is just all around badly slapped together with stereo typical,empty characters, un-unique kills, a terrible killer and all of thispackaged to call out "Blake Lively" on the cover because she hit it biga year later. For the record Blake Lively is in this film a total ofabout 15 seconds and its in the last few minutes of the movie. Theconcept of twins (one who is dim witted) seems like it could be a goodidea for a slasher film but Crispin Glover who tries to pride himselfon being obscure and unique usually just comes across as egotisticaland annoying and that shines through in Simon Says. If his characterhad been better written he could have maybe done something significantwith it. The rest of the cast, the older than teenage fodder for thekiller are terrible. They add nothing to the story or the cast.Director and writer William Dear is not a newcomer to the industry.He's been directing films for over two decades and I think someone justgave him a few dollars to do his own thing but it just feels so slappedtogether. Every once in awhile, if you're a big horror fan like me, youwill get drawn into the story briefly, or enjoy a really gory kill butthen the poor cast and story and pace will drag it all back down.Unless you're just a huge slasher fan you might as well skip this one.5/10

rust37 2013-05-09 15:59:16

Interesting for the genre lovers, skip otherwise

To make a long story short: it's not scary, and is poor in every aspect- script, camera, directing, acting.. Moreover it tries (poorly again)to be a grotesque in a way of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre II. So Simonsays: "Do not watch this movie".Good news is that it has got a spark of creativity, i.e. some of thescenes/effects were way beyond my expectation like one with a dog, andwith flying blonde. Brutal, cold blooded, blunt, not too detailed -right to what it should be.Well, simply avoid this Simon unless you are a horror fan with someexploratory streak.

tvalstar99 2013-05-07 23:56:23

Holy s**t what a bad movie.

When I read the comments on this film and see the rating on IMDb I getto the conclusion that there are people who like this rubbish.Unbelievable I must say. If you are not a super fan of really badbloody slasher movies, than don't see this movie.Slither was a movie that was over the top and kinda stupid, but allwith this tongue in cheek kind a way. Simon Say's is to straightforward simple to give me the same feeling. It's all about butcheringpeople with pickaxes. It starts and it never ends. Dogs are beingsplattered and so on. It is gross, not funny because it is too simple.Killing people with pickaxes is not funny after 6 times. And thatCrispin Glover dude. He seems to have a career in these movies, a cultfigure so to speak. A guy who refuses a role in Back to the future IIand sues Steven Spielberg is an extraordinary guy. But this is anextraordinary bad movie.

MetalGeek 2013-05-07 17:43:11

Watchable once you get past the intro's...

The wife and I decided to rent "Simon Says" based on its particularlynasty looking trailer and the fact that we saw Crispin Glover's nameabove the title, prompting me to joke "Cool, George McFly as aslasher!" We knew nothing about the film prior to stumbling across iton our cable's On Demand, and thus settled in for what looked like somegoofy slasher doin's.I must admit, the first twenty minutes or so of "Simon Says" were puretorture. Lord knows I've seen my share of slasher films over the years,and obviously so have the makers of this film because the first quarterof the movie sticks so closely to the "rules" of slasherdom that italmost becomes a parody. When five teens (each representing a timehonored Slasher Cannon Fodder Sterotype, of course -- i.e. The BrainyChick, the Slutty Chick, the Jock Guy, the Stoner Guy, and the YuppieChick) pull off the beaten path to do some camping in a near-desertedsmall town, it takes them no time at all to get on the bad side oflocal hillbilly store proprietor "Stanley" and his retarded brother"Simon" (both played by Glover), so I was already thinking "Oh man,this movie is gonna suck." The characters were cardboard cut-outs, thedialogue was howlingly bad, and the foreshadowing (of what is supposedto be a big 'shock twist' at the end, which I will not reveal here butI'm sure everyone will see coming from a mile away) was so telegraphedthat I almost considered switching the movie off. I'm glad I stuck withit though, because once the 'action' finally starts in "Simon Says,"gorehounds will be in for one helluva nasty, gooey, blood-coveredtreat. Seems Stanley/Simon is quite handy with pickaxes and hasbooby-trapped the woods with some very original contraptions that hurlblades, gears, and other implements of death at our teenage heroes (aswell as a few other bystanders who happen to be in the wrong place atthe wrong time) with lethal, often hilariously gory accuracy. It wasn'tlong before I was cackling as our teenaged idiot heroes were runningaimlessly through the woods, being chewed to bloody stumps whileCrispin Glover chewed on the scenery for all it's worth. The guy'salways BEEN weird, and this movie gives him the opportunity to just gocompletely off the wall. He looks like he had a hell of a lot of fun inthis dual role.By the tail end of "Simon Says" we even get a "dinner with the familyscene" (when Stanley takes the lone surviving girl to meet "Maw andPaw" who are of course rotting corpses sitting around a table),providing another nod to many '70s and '80s exploitation/splattermovies and adding yet another level of sick weirdness to what wasalready a pretty sick movie. By the time this one ended my wife and Icould only look at each other and laugh, and we've been making "Youforgot to say Simon Says!" jokes for a couple of days now."Simon Says" is not a GREAT movie by any means but it's certainly wortha look if you haven't been getting your recommended daily allowance ofcarnage at the video store. It starts out pretty average but suddenlyand without warning becomes its own weird and unpredictably hilariousbeast.

Ludewig1985 2013-05-02 04:07:06

"Great Movie"

Simon Says is definitely not your typical horror/thriller and unlike alot of other movies in this genre this one actually has a really goodstory line.I like every thing about this movie the acting, filming and scenerywere really well done.these film has comedy and a lot of cool action scenes with pickax'sflying everywhere.it's awesome! Margo Harshman who play's Kate is amazing as the leadactress and Crispin Glover who plays double role's as the crazy twinbrother's Simon/Stanley is as creepy as ever!if your a horror fan you'll love this one!it's a great movie and i highly recommend it so check it out when youget a chance!

bobnbeth-1 2013-05-01 18:50:51

So close, yet.... Nah, it wasn't even close!

What can I say about this movie. My expectations were something alongthe lines of evil dead 2, as it advertised, and I was sorelydisappointed. Some ingenious ways of killing our hapless campers haseverything to do with a pick axe you ever wanted to know about, and Igot tired of it very quickly. Maybe they had some left over from MyBloody Valentine or Trackman. Crispin Glovers usually good creepyacting seemed out of place in this, like he was trying TOO hard to becreepy. He doesn't have to try, it comes naturally, like in Wizard ofGore. There were a few admirable killing scenes,the spinning log to besure, and some above average makeup and special effects, but just notenough to merit a rental, and definitely not a purchase. It's as if thedirector is working to achieve the scary horror of ED2, and Glover ison that plane half the time, but someone forgot to inform the rest ofthe cast. The movie appeared to be just a jumble of film clips stitchedtogether. My hope is that you will read this and spend your moneyelsewhere. I'm sure some people enjoy it, but it just missed the markfor me. Also don't expect to rent this movie and see BlakeLively(Accepted) or Robyn Lively(Savannah) in any screen time, theyappear at the end of the movie in sort of a cameo role after everythingof importance has happened. Funny that this movie was produced Livelyproduction. Perhaps he saw the preview and thought,"this movie sucks,maybe I can get members of my family to be in this and save it! NO, NO,NO. And for those who are wondering, at the end the twins have ourheroine Kate trapped in a basement and have apparently engaged in someintercourse with her because I assume they have had children,(TWINS!).Hope this helps, but if not I don't care because you've seen the movieagainst my suggestion, and I've got better movies to waste two hours ofmy life with like (Insert movie of choice here). No evil dead, NoFriday the 13th, no Nightmare, just crap. However, it is only MYopinion.

Rathko 2013-04-28 12:24:43

Bizarre Backwoods Slasher

A thoroughly bizarre horror movie in which a deranged Crispin Glover(is there any other kind) boobytraps a stretch of woodland with 1001flying pickaxes and waits for a bunch of irritating teens to stumbleonto the scene. I've never really understood the logic of populating amovie with completely unlikeable characters. It makes for prettytedious viewing when the only reason for watching is not the hope thatthe characters survive, but that they will die sooner, rather thanlater. And the teens here, played by the usual bunch of prettytwenty-somethings, are some of the most irritating in horror history.Luckily, 'Simon Says' benefits from the presence of Crispin Glover, whois hilarious camping it up with a bizarre high-pitched accent thatseems like a cross between English aristocracy and Louisiana Creole.He's clearly acting in a completely different movie that exists only inhis own head and thank God for it. The kills are pretty creative andgrizzly with a lot of messy dismemberment, but veteran writer/directorBill Dear has little interest in originality or developing any suspenseor real fear. For fans of Glover's unique style, this is an often veryfunny must-see movie. For everybody else it's a pretty average teenslasher.

2013-04-28 01:29:24

Simon Says.... This movie had potentiol, but missed it's mark.

For many years it used to be the image of Jason Voorhees when you think about a maniac killer roaming the woods and slaying campers, but after seeing this movie... well.... you still will. Crispon Glover plays the worst role I have ever seen him do. The guy must be kicking himself that he screwed up by demanding more money to be in the Back To The Future sequels and is now remembered for his stupid idea he had to play a weirdo on the Letterman Show many years ago.This role must have taken real desperation to play. Now this movie could have been something, something decent that is, but two actors in this movie ruined it for everyone else. The first is an annoying stoner character who does nothing but smoke joints throughout the movie and saying stupid things. He is the type you want to see killed off as soon as possible, but they dragged him out and gave him some lame attempt at trying to make out the stoner is a kick-244 hero in waiting, who is going to save the day and seek out the woman he has a crush on, and it just ends in you rolling your eyes at the pathetic attempt they make for the audience to see there is more to him then a stoner with no future.Then there is Crispon Glover playing Simon. First off, the story behind this character doesn't pay off, there is supposed ghosts or just weirdos who wont stay in that town that give the back story of Simon and his brother, in which the scene was not needed as there is no pay off later as to what the hell it was put in for other then some stupid way to tell the backstory, but done in such a lame way that it leaves plot holes open.Then there is the accent of this character. Plain and simple, it is either the most annoying and worst accent you will ever hear because it's just that bad, or you just know Crispons voice too well that you do not accept it is his voice.The kills in the movie are not that bad, and the story itself was decent, but it is those two actors that killed the movie with there performance, that and keeping the stoner in 45 minutes too long.As I said before, it seems like Crispon is kicking himself for not doing Back To The Future 2 & 3, as he trys to recreate a little scene in this movie like that of in BTTF when he lays out Biff. The same shot of the clenching fist is recreated in this film, but I did not see it as a calling card, or tribute, or homage to that scene, as more a desperate attempt at trying to add something to gain more attention to himself.All this movie needed was the stoner cut down early, and either Crispon replaced or have him play it in a way you can stand instead of laugh at how bad it is. And it would not suprise me if Crispon thought he was being artistic or innovative to play a character that is a friggen joke and badly acted while mostly everyone else put all there effort into there roles.